Motherhood Rememebred

Dec 16, 2020

I wrote this last year when Rowan was 10 months old:

16/08/2019
I want the song to wash over me
Cleanse me, clear me, move through and out of me.
Take away this greyness, this dull mind, slow mind,
Let me feel light again, clear

I close my eyes, I turn up the volume
I feel a shiver, tingles from my toes to my elbows
A smile creeping slowly across my face
It’s beautiful, this moment, holding this expansive feeling inside my mind,
Inside my body.

It’s an old love, a forever love, a friend that shall live this life with me,
Guide me, hold me, remind me of who I am,
Give me the space to move into my body again and out of my mind.

I am me, but I am not who I was,
I am changed, my body grew another soul,
Birthed a human being in water and into this world,
Rowan.

Rowan what can I say, my entire reality, my way of making this world make sense
changed shape, from the moment that I knew he was in my belly.
Life unfolded and refolded and unfolded and refolded before my eyes daily.
The most complex origami you ever did see.

I am not alone, although I have felt lonely.
Motherhood is the most complete and all consuming, important job that one will ever do
And never get any training for, you’re winging it with the highest stakes but with the deepest love you’ve never felt before.
You’re running on that love, fueled by that love, by the desire to nourish and nurture this unique little being.
This tiny human, complete with their blueprints already written…

Without thinking we are in flow, exploring this life anew,
Allowing him the safe and nurturing space to explore and discover the world and himself.
I feel my job as his mum is to help him feel confident in who is and however he chooses to express himself is accepted and loved.
The kindness, the love, the support and gentle, tender affection that I show him, I am learning to show myself.

I’ve gone through this huge transformation to become Rowan’s mum but I’ve felt like a bystander watching this transition take place, because I am, in every moment of every day, doing my job as Rowan’s mumma and it just is. I don’t think, I just am. I trust, I feel, I focus without trying and we are living in harmony together, winging it and figuring it out as we go.

But I have not had time to switch off from that and contemplate my own experience as an individual.
Using my time to stay on top of our life presently rather than reflect inwardly and backwards.
But as I sit here tonight, with my music playing and Rowan fast asleep upstairs, I stole a moment,
I stopped working, I let the music play through me and into my heart and rather than write my questionnaire for my clients, I let the tingles turn into words and I captured a feeling of inspiration.

It was an old and familiar feeling that crept though my body,
I felt as if I was on a crowded dance floor with my eyes closed feeling like it was just me.
So I danced tonight, I wrote, I felt light and free.
I am still me, but I am not who I was, I am better than I was,
More tired, more wrinkled but I have never felt as whole as I do today.

There is a richness in my life that I feel blown away by every day.
Being Rowan’s mumma is the greatest privilege
I am me but I am also a mum, and with that comes the deepest love I have ever known,
It is a full life, full of love, full of meaning, full or purpose, full of play, creativity and magic.

I am me, I am mother